hello lj old friend [07 Nov 2006|12:21am] Suffering from a huge nostalgia attack. Thought returning here would ease the feelings of disatisfaction, a little at least. The following rambling is ALL for my benefit. Don't feel obliged to read. In fact, don't read it at all unless you're one of those few people out there who gets me and knows how i get like this and just really need to rant right now. Even then, this is going to be a bunch of self-bashing practically emo bullshit about how i suck. so yeah, there's my warning. I'm 19 years old. I'm in 2nd year university. But in some ways I feel like I'm going backwards. Or at least im descelerating, I don't know ... I'm just not happy with what I'm doing. Because I'm doing nothing. And that's my own fault. And I guess I was always like this. But I don't know, I'm feeling like I accomplished so much more in high school than I've accomplished since I've graduated ... and I'm probably just overglorifying my experiences at UHS, but you know what, I fucking took them for granted. my program is great and all, but everything's moving so slowly ... and no one encourages you anymore and points out opportunities and opens doors to you ... you have to find those doors and encourage yourself and make shit happen ... and i don't So to all of you still at UHS, feel lucky, feel priveleged ... soak it all up. And take advantage of every opportunity. I don't know if the documenting history course is still running, but SIGN UP! I think I'll blame that course for most of my present misery, because it gave me a taste for something I never realized I could do and could love so much ... and now I have to wait so long before I can do something like that again. Unless I make it happen on my own, but I'm a lazy coward and tend to never do things unless they're thrown in my lap. Fuck. I don't know why I always do this. Complain complain complain about how I'm lazy and spineless and do everything half assed ... instead of just DOING shit I need to grow up. Suck it up. Make stuff happen. Cuz really, I was lucky before. Things don't normally just FIND YOU, like that course did ... you have to find those opportunities on your own. i'm talented but i'm lazy and i'm slowly becoming boring and i think my imagination is deteriorating and i feel like i need to find a more creative outlet and FAST or i'm just gonna lose any of those juices i have left in me blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i wish i was gutsier i wish i would stop saying that and just BE gutsier and saying that and that etc.' fuck i'm annoying post comment

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